With money in my pocket.

With money in my pocket and a desire so strong it was overwhelming, I told myself to calm down. I sat at my small table, and split the money into four piles. I steadied my hands.

I took the first pile, put it into an envelope, and wrote a word on it. A single word. This envelope would help me get through the rough spots throughout the month, calm my nerves, give me bravery when I needed it, solace when I was already brave, and more. The one word was "Liquor."

I took the second pile, put it into a new envelope, and wrote a word on it. This envelope was the one of the only reasons I made it day to day. My reason for going on. The word was "Alex." My child, and while not with me every day, Alex was with me in my thoughts constantly. I caressed the envelope lovingly, as I hardly got to do with Alex.

I took the third pile, put it into a new envelope, and wrote on it. The writing was getting bad, my hands were getting shaky. And I wasn't fooling anyone, not even myself. The words on the envelope were "Food and Bills." The ritual wasn't complete without at least attempting to fill this envelope.

The fourth pile of money went into a new envelope, but I didn't write on it. No need to incriminate myself. I knew what this envelope was for, there was no way I was forgetting what it was for. I smiled, this envelope would make me feel better. This envelope was what really got me through it all. I noticed, like I had for months now, that the fourth envelope was slightly bigger than the others. And it was slightly bigger than the last time I did this.

I glanced around my small apartment, like anyone was going to be there to catch me doing what I was about to do. I took the food and bills envelope and emptied it out and placed the money into the fourth envelope. I would come up with food money later. And I kept the empty envelope on the table, for proof that I attempted to pay bills with it. Like the bill collectors would see the envelope, sigh, and say, "at least he tried to pay some bills."

I took some money from the liquor envelope, and redistributed it to the fourth envelope. I didn't need too much liquor, as long as I had what the fourth envelope was getting me. I had even considered quitting drinking completely a few times to fill up the fourth envelope, but had never quite gotten to that point.

Next came the long stare. The internal debate. The envelope marked Alex. Did it need that much money in it? Could it spare a little money for the fourth envelope, the insatiable envelope? I cried, per schedule. I argued, told myself I was scum for even thinking about taking money from Alex, told myself Alex would be fine without a few of those dollars. I congratulated myself finally for not taking any money out of it. Of course, I didn't add any money into it either, but I was taking baby steps.

I grabbed the fourth envelope and stuffed it into my coat pocket. I glanced at the clock, and saw that I had a little while before I could get anything with the fourth envelope. I wondered how my life had come to this.

I turned on the small television to try to kill some time. It was on MTV, and for once they were actually playing music, but it was that stupid song about "loping along through the moonlight". That song always gets caught in my head and drives me crazy so I quickly turned the television back off, and went back to staring at the clock.

This was the hardest time of each month, the time that I knew I could change things. I could put the money into the envelopes they should be in, not where I wanted the money to be. I could start working on making myself a better person, so that I could see Alex more often. So that I could be truly happy again someday. I could change my life, maybe not into what it was before, but better than it was now. I could really turn things around. Maybe she would even take me back if she saw the changes in me.

The fantasizing and internal debate got me through the slow ticking minutes, and I finally stood and walked to the door, checking once again that the fourth envelope was still there.

It was.